Perhaps I'm lost in you
by josephine-danville
Summary: Something had broken between us.. it seemed only yesterday that I was joking with him. I had crossed the line, how I couldn't do it? I cared about him. Inevitably all is changed.. and I, I'm no longer the same.
1. Prologue

**Prologue**

_"Sometimes we have to deal with our destiny,  
escape is inevitable"_ - Jo Danville

It was cold that night, we had just found the body of the missing boy. It was one of the unsolved cases of my boss. His eyes couldn't hide it, sometimes read him seemed so simple. The stomach completely tangled by the sight of that thin and fragile body. I had seen a lot, and after years .. I still couldn't accept it. This is one of the cons of my work, the obsessive pursuit of coolness "A good detective must be posted" I was told this by my superiors at the FBI. Separate feelings became more difficult every day, why? Things happen that will change, and fate hasn't stopped to take cruelly fun of me. I didn't imagine the least we got to that point. Despite my being "insightful", "affectionate" and "available", our relationship had deteriorated inevitably, he said it was my fault. Maybe I had crossed the threshold, maybe I had invaded his life, I couldn't just stand by and watch the self-destruction of Mac Taylor. I loved him, we were friends, he had a lot to me. I wouldn't hesitate to put my life in his hands.. and now his ice-blue eyes betraying no emotion, if it were not for all that resentment smoldering inside of him.

**"Are you sure that you don't want to come with you for the notification by Lewis?"** I asked masking the pain I felt.

**"Stay here and help Danny and Sheldon to finish the downstairs" **he said dryly.

**"I'm glad you can give peace to the family after all these years. We see at the office"** I said, touching his arm as I walked away.

**"Jo"** the tone of his voice unmistakable and unambiguous.

**"Yeah?**" I turned and looked at him hard.

**"I'll tell you one time"** he paused, seemed interminable.

**"Be careful about where sticking your nose.. stay away from my personal business"** an expression on his face contracted, his words were throwing stones at me. He only had so little to hurt me. I was dumbfounded, completely speechless at him. How cruel were his intense eyes. I hated it. I had never seen before Mac so adamant, harsh and unsympathetic. The heart was lost in gasps, those dictated by his gestures. I felt hurt. I shut the lips and watched him. I stood there a few seconds to contemplate the sidewalk. I bowed my face and took a deep breath, while among all those I just felt his steps. He did it really? I kept asking myself. The heart into pieces. It was too difficult to accept. I guess I'm a strong woman, but this was really too much even for me. The air escaped away from my lips with each beat. I didn't see it either, something snapped in me. I had to react.

**"To hell! Mac Taylor"** I shouted so that he could hear me.

He turned to look at me, and gave him back the same look.

**"Reject all people who care about you! The truth is that you don't care a damn about what we see.."** I raised my voice more and more with tears in the eyes.

**"It is not your integrity in stake, you never stopped being my own boss, and damn God knows I would not hesitate to entrust you my life!"** I yelled as loud as my throat all my anger.

He was still some distance away. The jaw clenched, tense, nervous, and very angry.

**"Isn't putting me to rest that you will solve "your personal business" "** I said with a sarcastic smile, it increasingly difficult to hold back tears.

It was still there, his face slightly tilted, rancorous as ever.

**"I care about you, you forget that in addition to being colleagues we are friends!"** the heart almost came out at those words, I shook my hand on the chest to not feel the pain.

Not a reaction, not a "I'm sorry Jo" nothing.. he stood with his feet planted on the square tiles of the sidewalk staring at me.

**"Would you go me out of your life, isn't it?"** I asked with the voice broken. I bitterly realized that he was rejecting me. All we had passed did not count anything for him if he was ready to hurt me so deep.. just because I couldn't and didn't want to see him suffer.

He continued to keep a straight face.

**"I'll settle you, Detective Taylor! I will disappear, as you wish!" **I spread out my arms with a sarcastic smile.  
I looked at his eyes one last time, and I held back the tears as I could. I gave him the shoulders and went back into the building. Maybe a part of me was hoping that he would follow me, but it didn't happen.


	2. Chapter 1

**1.**

The wind ran through my skin, like it was a thin fabric. I was pervaded by millions of chills, maybe because of adrenaline. I had faced him, I didn't have a choice. Something had changed between us, I could hear it clearly. Sometimes it is inevitable, everything is falling apart, despite I'm doing everything to avoid it. Now I hated him with my whole being. His words echoed in my mind, I couldn't drive them away. I didn't feel anything that his deep voice. I couldn't just erase his dark eyes. I couldn't walk. I breathed with difficulty, everything was spinning. I rested a hand against the wall and closed the eyes, I felt the heart exploding in my chest. I realized just now how important he was to me. I crawled up the fingers until scratch myself. If only sorrow could move him away from me _"Breathe Jo, it's okay, breathe"_ I repeated to myself soon as I imagined his eyes. I just wanted to let me go, but I couldn't. All that was holding on me. I couldn't afford to collapse. _"Will pass, he's out of your life now, you are a strong woman Jo." _Any reassurance would melt like snow. I felt so fragile. I took another breath and smiled, a tear ran down my face. I dried it quickly.  
I joined the colleagues with a serious expression. The work first of all, the rest doesn't exist.., the job before what I feel.

**"Hey Jo, are you okay?"** Danny asked, putting aside what he was doing to look at me. Sheldon did the same.

**"Guys"** I frowned **"let's get back to work, you know how Mac is intransigent"** I answered fast, while I was grabbing the camera to take some photos.

I felt like I was dying, just say his name it hurts me, pretend that nothing had happened .. was destroying me. I had opened a chasm in the stomach. I had never given importance to a relationship like the one I have had with him. Perhaps this was the error. We just had to be colleagues, I only worked for him, the rest shouldn't exist. I remembered his first smile and the rebuke to his colleagues, the first day that I set foot in the lab. All seemed so simple, so natural. Our friendship grew stronger day by day, I have cried for him. I was squeezing the camera in my hands, and a thousand stabs wounded me _"Don't think at him, don't think at him!"_ I repeated desperately, _"Jo, you are strong, you are"._  
I took some pictures of every angle of that small basement. On the blocknote I wrote down everything usefull. It had to be a perfect report, less time I spent with "him", it was better for me. I pointed out the footprints, I had found several of them, they should belong to the suspect that we had in custody. The case was virtually closed, he had confessed the murder. I was focused on what I was doing. I spent some time cataloging the evidences, and helping the colleagues as I could.  
I always had a big flaw, when I was taking care of someone.. I completely lost myself. For this reason, I suffered so badly. I felt like a rag, even though my "good picture" said the contrary. I just wanted to keep up him closer, I wasn't asking for anything more, just being his shoulder. Obviously we had a different view of our "relationship" I smiled sarcastically at the thought. I retrieved the equipment and walked towards the car. Danny and Sheldon would take the other one available.

I drove through the busy streets of New York. I felt so much pain, I saw him in everything. It is sad to have to deal with an illusion, it hurts very badly. There is no experience that prevent us, it hurts pretty darn bad. Maybe I hadn't suffered in this way for anyone else, and this was to scare me. I turned on the radio and the song of Celine Dion "Just Walk Away" became widespread in the cockpit. I saw again in slow motion our previous discussion. God, how I have never knew him. Before I knew it I was crying. I laid the hands on the wheel and bent my face, I was in pieces. I took a quick glance in the mirror, the mascara was completely smudged.

**"Great!"** I exploded frustrated, **"he is managed to bring me to this"**

I got out and slipped the key into the lock of the house. I can't define what would make me more harm, if his words or my reaction only an hour ago. The lights were shut down. I dropped my bag on the couch and poured myself a bourbon, I needed it. I couldn't stop to cry. I noticed a pink post-note on the table.

_Mom, I go by Jen.  
see you tomorrow  
I love you_

I had forgotten that Ellie would have spent the night outside. I smiled. My little girl was getting bigger. I picked up the phone and dialed the number .

**"Honey"** I tried to keep a neutral tone.

**"Hello Mom, I'm by Jen, don't you worry"**.

**"Okay"** I smiled.

**"Mom, are you okay?"** she asked suddenly.

**"Of course Ellie, I'm fine"** I emphasized each word to hide my mood. My heart was bleeding for the frantic pulse. Maybe call her wasn't exactly a good idea.

**"You look strange"** she said.

**"I'm just tired.. don't be late at school tomorrow, promise?"** I asked with my usual way of doing. I knew how to evade personal questions, the job help in this.. hide the truth even at my daughter made me so sick as much as the discussion with Mac.  
Ellie was very intelligent, and extremely insightful.. just like me.

_Flashback_

_**"It's nice to know that someone cares about you"**__ Mac smiled at me with making sweet and thoughtful. His eyes filled with small sparks . A thought crossed my mind, so delicate, so unexpectedly. I was mesmerized as we walked to the laboratory. I never imagined to be so in tune with my boss in only one week of work. We joked as "long-time friends"._

The manner in which those words touched me caused still shivering in me. I downed a hearty swig of bourbon to erase him from my mind. Was no longer to be place for him. I sat next to the window and watched the rain come down, so slow and it was deposited on the streets and on the coats of people. I noticed a couple in front of a shop window. They smiled and pointed to some things scattered here and there.

_Flashback_

_**"Come on Mac! Don't you wanna miss it, come on!"**__ I smiled with a half-turn on the icy sidewalk. The snow covered everything, it was cold more than usual. I loved that day of the year. The windows at Christmas made me mad._

_**"Why did I let you take me here?"**__ He joked with a half-smile of his._

_**"Look how wonderful are they, Mac! Isn't this the most beautiful thing that you've ever seen?" **__I opened my eyes in ecstasy, I couldn't contain my excitement, I literally trembled. I leaned against his arm and obliged him to follow me._

_I loved everything about that "special night" , I loved the indistinct voices of the people, the "wow" and the applauses, the smell of roasted chestnuts, the snow .. and his company. In fact, in foreign eyes we could look like a "couple", we were just friends, that's all. I admit, I have noticed a number of indiscreet glances on us, it will be for professional deformation. I was fine with him._

A shock at the heart brought me to the present, I took some other bourbon. I still couldn't stop thinking about the damn Mac Taylor.  
I let myself go on the bed. I was staring at the ceiling, hoping to not feel anything except the sound of rain. It fells so slow, so peaceful. _"He isn't important for you Jo, stop to think at him"_ the tears streaming down the face. I squeezed the pillow between the hands for stifled the groans _"you'll not feel anything for him."_


	3. Chapter 2

**2.**

The rain continued to fall slowly and regularly, while I was trying to get to sleep. The heart was banging in my chest incessantly. I was very restless. The idea of having lost Mac, simply devastated me. I hated to admit it, but.. it was so. I closed my eyelids, I tried repeatedly to relax myself. The contours become confused.. while I was returning there, in that lane of New York.

_Dream_

_There was a light breeze. Mac Taylor was in front of me. Just him and I. All around was darkness and silence. His intense eyes shone hypnotics. I had the distinct feeling that it wouldn't have been pleasant. His face turned into a angrily frown. In silence, he was staring at me. I couldn't react, I continued to look at him in silence. As we were immersed in a our own world._

_**"Mac"**__ I muttered, it wasn't a rancorous tone as I expected._

_In his eyes was growing a cynical grim, while the wind stopped blowing in that moment. He tilted his face to the side._

_**"Why are you doing this to me?"**__ I asked with tears in the eyes._

_His eyes spoke for him._

_I was next to an emotional breakdown, the blood in the veins throbbed violently. My hands were shaking, and I couldn't breathe. He approached me silent, a few millimeters separated us. I could feel his breath on the skin, and my head was spinning. How many feelings that I didn't know, all together at the same time. I couldn't stay shiny. Every rational path was loosing itself as all my initiative to talk to him. I watched the whole scene completely unconscious._

_**"Jo.."**__ He paused to make sure all my attention._

_My mouth was kneaded by anxiety, I was usually able to handle it, but now.. I felt helpless. I had never experienced anything like it._

_**"I want to be clear with you.."**__ he raised an eyebrow, his lips began to manifest a cynical smile._

_I felt a single decisive blow to the chest, like a thick. I felt that something terrible was going to happen. He had never been like he was in that moment with me. Mac couldn't be the man that I had in front of me._

_**"You don't count nothing for me.. you'll never count anything for me"**__ he was lifting the face so snooty._

_My lips were parted. Now the tears flowed down uncontrollably. My whole world was literally collapsed like a house of cards.. and I couldn't do anything to avoid it. I was missing, and without restraint the man I thought was my friend, he was slowly destroying myself, just like one of those "criminals" who we arrested together._

_**"I want you out of my life"**__ he spoke out resolutely._

_Those words were the coup de grace, I fell on my knees, I was trying desperately to breathe, while the air was taunting me. I cried. The tears streaming down the face. How could it have happened? It couldn't be true, it shouldn't be true._

_**"Mac, Mac… please wait Mac!"**__ I pleaded desperately, and with a grin he walked away into the shadows._

_**"I beg you Mac!"**__ I crept the hand along the floor "Mac" the words became deaf, he was slowly loosing into the darkness. He slowly disappeared, like the feeling I had of him._

_**"Don't leave me.."**__ it became a whisper._

_I tilted the back forward because of a higher dense, it was burning stronger than ever. I groaned. Instinctively I put my hand in the abdomen, and I groaned a second time. Everything around me was fading. The lights went out, I felt strength flowing out of my body. I couldn't stop crying. I couldn't breathe, and a searing pain forced me to the ground._

_**"Ahhh"**__ I moaned for the twinge._

_The heat was radiated through the hand, I bent the gaze. The blood was completly covering it._

_**"It's really the end?"**__._

I opened my eyes suddenly, in the throes of a crisis. I burst into tears. I cried all my pain, I looked around for any handhold. I squeezed the pillow in the arms, _"Jo Breathe, breathe, it's okay." _I was broken. I felt like dying. I hid my face between the hands.

**"I can't do it"** I said to myself, hitting the pillow.

I thought at the sharp words of Mac, the boundary between dream and reality was so weak, until confused. I knew that dreams were nothing more than a projection of how much I felt. He was important to me. I was wrong. I didn't accept the idea that it had happened.

_"React Jo!"_ the inner voice screamed, and I just wanted to lose myself.

I sank into the pillows, while the mind slowly began to empty. It was something clicked in me. All this sense of abandonment was changing me. I couldn't just give up, it wasn't in my skin. I took a deep breath, and the alarm sounded. The six o'clock. I hadn't slept a wink. I sat up, and the eyes rested on the pillow. I touched it, it was still wet. Everything reminded me him. I pulled off the pillowcase with the decision and put it in the washing machine. I forced myself to forget him.

**"He is out of my life"** I repeated aloud in front of the mirror, I lifted my dark hair in a high ponytail, and I started to get ready. Running would make me only good. I wore a short white outfit and I went out into the street.

The air was fresh that morning, it whipped my face. There wasn't much coming and going, New York was almost unrecognizable at that hour of the morning. Every day I did the same route, I passed alongside my house and I pulled straight up in the center, directly to the police department. I chose specificly this apartment, when I decided to move. It would have been ideal for every type of movement, and overall I loved to walk, it freed a little my mind.. as the run. I put the earphones and I shot the music at full volume. I needed it desperately. Endorphins and adrenaline would give a little of stability to my precarious balance. Pushed to traits, would keep pace adjust, accelerating occasionally, then with more frequency. The contours were confused as I increased the speed. As I approached the department the various sidewalks were populated, and life was resuming to flow. I avoided the passers, I greeted the newsagent and the bellboy, who like every morning I left a polite smile and a warm at their **"Good morning Mrs. Danville." **At times I stopped to exchange a few words. The newsagent was a few steps from the entrance of the NYPD department.

I smiled at the newspaper man, stopping me. I took a few steps in his direction. I was going to talk to him, when my eyes involuntarily sought the entrance of the department and I almost felt like die. Mac Taylor was there, and he had crossed my eyes. The time was stopped. There were no barriers, just he and I, separated by a few meters. Thousand chills ran down my back. The heart began to throb more frenetic than normal. The sounds were confused, as I remembered the shock of a few hours ago.

_**"Stay out of my personal business"**_

It was like a shock wave, simply devastating. I looked at him determined, serious, aloof. I closed my lids breaking the contact. When I opened them, he was still looking at me, I resumed running. I passed through his way with a contemptuous cold mood. While the fresh scent of his cologne was touching my skin. I gained more and more speed, the anger and the pain were the perfect mix. I wouldn't have given up so easily.. and it was now that Mac noticing it.


	4. Chapter 3

**3.**

I ran faster and faster until the breaking of breath. I didn't feel any pain due to acceleration. I didn't want to see him. Yet I felt still wearing his perfume, and I had the chills for this. The heart was like crazy, pounding so hard. I felt it in my throat. Every step away from him resulted in millions of stitches. It was difficult to even breathe. If I let me go I saw again the same scene in slow motion. He stood there looking at me, frowning, and my hostility towards him.. how much it cost me._ "Why we arrived at this point, Mac?"_. The feet firmly on the curb, I looked in front of me and took a deep breath to calm down. I clenched my hands into fists, and I turned in the direction of the police department.

_"That Jo no longer exists Mac Taylor"._

I crossed his eyes, he was still in front of me. Probably intent to study me. I stared at him without breaking contact, I wanted that to be clear with him, that everything was changed between us. The wind blew gently through his overcoat and through his hair as dark as the night. That expression on his face I'll never forget.

_Flashback_

_I joined him in the office and sat down at his side. Clearly I felt that something was wrong, he needed me. I folded my hands, I turned to look at him and talked to him. I could hear clearly what he suffered. Mac was an open book for me. He couldn't hide what he was going through._

_**"Mac, why you don't want to tell me what happened to you on the roof? You wrote it in the report, but you haven't told anyone, I'm wondering why?"**_

_He must have been very trying, his gaze was turned off, lost and distant. I could swear that his hands were slightly trembling._

_**"I'm still trying to understand the meaning, Jo. I'm escaped from death in many occasions, but this time was different. Death looked me in the eyes"**_

_"I will tell you that you'll pass all this, but I'd be lying. As long as you do not deal with that moment you will never be free."_

_**"And you're asking questions, you wonder why you, what does it mean"**__ I anticipated his thoughts._

_**"In part.., but especially after it's over I kept asking myself, what am I doing? How much longer can I do this?"**__ The frown on his face unreadable._

_**"That's why you picked up that old case, it was the last unresolved. You wanted to be able to close the circle"**_

_The pieces began to come together slowly in my mind, "Oh Mac"._

_**"I did some good things"**__ he was trying to convince himself._

_**"Yeah"**_

_**"I may have done my part"**__ he looked down at the floor._

_Everything was clear, I only realized it a moment after his last words.. he wanted to leave. Mac Taylor wanted to leave the job for which one he had given everything anyway. Even when things didn't go quite as he wished. I esteemed him and respected every his decision.  
I put my hands on the railing and looked thoughtfully Mac, I was at his back, he didn't know that I were there. I thought back to our conversation. Something in him was changed. His words struck me, he seemed to have reached the "tipping point" of his professional life. He was so close to death. I stopped breathing at the idea of losing him forever. I squeezed harder the railing. I was ready to say goodbye to him? I was really ready? I imagined my present without him. Due to the degree I would have replaced him, but I didn't want to do it. No, I can't do it. I crawled the fingers on the cold metal and closed the eyes.  
He had just taken the elevator. I looked at his office, it was completely empty. The heart was pounding in the chest. I saw us smiling and joking around the lab. Every beat was carrying the memory. I was absent. That vortex so overwhelming. I knew perfectly well that once he walk through those doors he wouldn't be back._

_"No, I can't let it happen."_

_My gaze was empty, lost.. I felt the blood flowing wildly inside of me. The elevator buttons are lit progressively._

_"Jo ahead!" I kept saying to myself "come on, stop him."_

_I took a deep breath and threw myself down the stairs. I dropped them quickly as I could. I ignored the prying eyes. Surely intent to wonder what I was doing. The mind was crowded with millions of thoughts. Of one thing I was very sure, I had to stop him. He was going on. I was able to glimpse him.  
Once outside, the fresh air of the night pinched my face. I saw him, he walked among the people almost mingling himself.. if it weren't for his long overcoat._

_"Ok Jo, now you can't going back" I told to myself to give me courage._

_I pushed out of my way the people and I shouted "Mac!"._

_He was a few steps away from me. He didn't turn. I had the feeling of not being able to reach him. I realized that he was only a few millimeters from me, only because of his sandalwood cologne. I held out one hand, the fingers brushed his coat. I could no longer breathe. I could hear the amplified beat of the heart. I had a chance to stop him. It was a matter of moments, and then he vanished in the crowd. I stood staring at the multitude mixed like a deck of cards in the most worthy of the magicians. Mac Taylor had disappeared. That evening I had the opportunity to make a choice. Our relationship would have changed completely. I decided to not take it. I was there, and he would never have known it._

Although flashback that I was reliving that was devastating to me. I was trying in all the ways to not show it. A faint breeze began to blow, making tenuous as the rays of the sun pushed through the clouds. He was still there. That moment seemed to never end. I looked at him again a second before continuing to run and get away. I burst into tears immediately after in the streets of New York.

_"You're too fragile Jo! Who do you want to give it to drink!? It is so exactly that do you think of "resist"?"_ the inner voice was right for once. I wasn't able to handle it.. maybe I'm just deluding myself. His eyes dig inside of me and I felt so terribly vulnerable, as unarmed by his coldness.

The boiling water fell down slowly on my back, _"Don't think about him"_ I repeated to myself with the front on the tiles in the shower. I sighed to dispel any concern. I had to handle it, I couldn't give up. I clung to anything. The effect that he had on me was simply devastating. I tried to focus on my daughter.. she needed a strong mother. I had to be for her. I wrapped a towel around me and looked into the mirror. Who am I kidding? I bowed my face.

I felt like an automaton more than ever that morning. I crossed the threshold, marked my id police card and pressed the elevator button. Despite everything I was right on schedule. I had to be ready. It would not be so easy. The doors opened giving me free access to the scientific department. I walked with a firm step towards my office. Mac, sitting at desk, was looking at me. His eyes were glacial. He must be angry with me yet. It wasn't a problem that I had to ask myself. I greeted him with a nod, and I hurried to get away. Lindsay had not arrived. I took a deep breath, another in this day and I started to put in order some files as I could on the surface of the desk. A sizzling sound caught my attention, a letter of the direction was lying on the floor. I took it, it was sent to me. I unwrapped it.

_**Dear Mrs Danville,**_

_**seen hers brilliant work at the New York department of forensic science, the management has decided to assign her a team.  
The curriculum of hers staff will get sent via email as soon as you'll confirm yours availability.  
Is invited to preside over the meeting for the review of hers file, the 30th April at 10:00, at the management office at the 40th floor.**_

_**Best Regards  
The Administration**_

_**April 20, New York**_


	5. Chapter 4

**4.**

I put my hands on the desk, it didn't take even this one? When I frustrated turned toward the hallway, I saw him again. He looked at me intently, without hiding any kind of emotion. Icy, impassive and irritating. I smiled frustrated and dropped the letter on the desk. I touched his jacket, without deigning him of the slightest attention.

**"Where are you going, Jo?"** In his voice was clear the resentment.

**"To have a coffee, boss"** I pointed out the last word deliberately.

**"Do not delay, we have a case and I want you on the field" **with an uncompromising imperative.

I didn't answer, I still looked at him. The heart was bleeding to every his word.

It wasn't enough Mac Taylor!?. The anger began to grow up inside, now I had to manage even a "promotion". When I thought it couldn't get any worse.. here happened another one of exaggerated proportions. I pressed the elevator button, giving the back to him. I lifted my face, determined and detached. That was what he wanted, he would have had. Even if it damn cost me, I'll never give up.

Mac was still behind me, I felt the smell of his cologne, I hadn't heard the sizzle typical of the soles of his shoes. I imagined the resentment in his intense eyes, he was so stubborn. He had found bread for his teeth. No man had ever hurt me like that.. and very little of him was enough to make me sick. Although the anger was exploded inside me, I just wanted to cry. My hands were shaking. I stepped through the sliding doors. He stared at me again, so hard. We had not spoken since last night. My heart was pounding so hard in the chest to rule out any type of sound. The doors were closed, interrupting the contact. I leaned back against the wall and put my hand on the lips to stifle the tears. Between us was all over. I crawled my fingers on the handrail until to sit on the floor. I was dizzy, this sense of emptiness was killing me. Maybe leave, was the only way. I saw my whole world fall apart, I could only watch helplessly. I struggled to breathe. On the skin I had the same feelings of last night's dream. His voice, his face, his scent, that hate in his eyes dark as the night. He must hate me, I thought with a sad smile. I put the arm around my stomach and leaned forward due to a dense.

_Flashback_

_He handed me a black coffee with hazelnut, my favorite and we took the elevator together. I smiled at him, it created a short silence between us. I sipped a part._

_**"Oh, Mac, I love it.. another thing that you've discovered unbeknownst to me, eh?"**__ I looked at him with a sun smile._

_He shrugged, laughing and pretending to be intimidated, he raised his hands in surrender, __**"You got me Detective Danville"**__ he laughed._

_I gave him a nudge, __**"If I find your source.. ah poor to him"**__ I laughed. I caught you. _

_**"How do you know it is a man?"**__ he asked, raising an eyebrow._

_**"I know everything, Mac"**__ I pretended to be serious, I reduced my eyes to two thin slits and stared at him._

_The doors opened, allowing us the free access to the offices._

_**"You're terrible"**__ he replied, amused._

_**"And you're not so adorable, as you let see"**__ I gave him a wink and waved up laughing at my office._

That snapshot increased my frustration. It was amazing the relationship I had with him. Now no longer existed. Perhaps the only solution was to go ahead, set aside the "Taylor's practice" reducing everything to mere formalities and move on, as if it were an ordinary employment relationship. I laid a hand on my knee and pulled myself up. I went back on the feet, and took a deep breath, another of the day. "You can do it, you can move forward, you're strong Jo" I repeated to myself.

On the street I was kicking some stones and I fixed a tuft of hair. The sun returned to peep over the blanket of grayish clouds. People were continually moving on, because I couldn't do it by myself? It mustn't be very complicated.. often you change it, even if sometimes we don't want it, the "things" happen. A sad smile on my face once again. I still felt as an automaton. My body was moving on. The mind was completely blocked in the memory of his face and on the sharp words that he had told me. The truth was that I didn't know what to do with my life, how could all change in a second? I wasn't ready. "Jo can't take him away from your head, you just think at him.. how can you go on?" the inner voice had reason to sell.

In the Fanelli's coffee reigned the same every day peace. Some colleague sitting at the tables. The relaxed conversations before intense hours of hard sacrifice. "It was our favorite place" I thought with a certain nostalgia. I even spoke with Christine. How much it cost me to take care of him. I squeezed the little white napkin in the hand until to stop the blood circulation. I just wanted to protect him, "he would have done the same for me" another misconception of mine. He had hurt me with impunity, I couldn't think that I counted nothing for him. I walked over to the counter, my smile had to be turned off. I saw my reflex in the sugar bowl. _"Jo God, don't let him make you this."_ I tightened the lips waiting for the waitress. I was nervously turning the ring to try to calm down and to not think. I had to put aside all that, the work was first, before what I'm. I needed to be polished to give my best. The most important thing in the world, after my children, was to bring to justice the criminals.

**"Detective Danville, what do I prepare? The usual two cream horns and two strong coffees?"** was asking the young woman in front of me, interrupting my thoughts.

It was inevitable not to think about Mac Taylor, he always found a way to come back and get back into my mind.

**"No, just a bitter coffee"** I replied seriously.

The real difficulty is in the co-existence of the problem. Make the counts all the time, every minute. This was happening to me. For the love I hadn't suffered so.. the feeling of friendship and bond that I had established with him was cemented over time, or so I thought. I was wrong.

I went back to the department, ready to be the same impenetrable woman of fifteen minutes ago. I was returning to my office, when Mac's voice reached me like a gust of icy wind.

**"Jo!?"**

I turned to him without saying a word.

**"We have a case, join me in the office"** he added quickly. I replied with a nod of the head.

I picked up my stuff and I saw him put the pistol in the holster.

**"Family massacred in ********Lexington Avenue** 48" he adjourned me briefly. I remained silent and waited for him to finish getting ready.

**"Jo, we need to talk about last night"** he looked at me angrily. Seemingly calm and professional. His intense eyes met mine, and I had a sharp pain in the heart. In an instant I relived that conversation yet.

**_"Stay away from my personal business"_**

Those words inflamed me, highlighting what I felt for him at that time. I wanted to erect a barrier between us. He would have been out of my life. I was determined, now more than ever I had to push him away and make clear my intentions. There'll never be what it was.

I looked seriously and distant at him **"We have nothing to say."**.


	6. Chapter 5

**5.**

I crossed his eyes again, and I gave him back the same coldness that he reserved me. How wrong I was about him. It was as if a unmanageable fire burst out inside of me, and the cause was him and his damn stubbornness. That damn pride had separated us, perhaps forever. I would not be back on my steps. I could not ignore what happened, I guess even he.. so the only solution was the glacial indifference. He bit his lower lip, as he was usually do when he was nervous. I just shook my face and I walked to the elevator. I could hear only the sound of my boots on the floor. I pressed the button and I waited. I stepped through the doors and I leaned against the railing, he went inside. He doesn't even look at me. The heart was falling in pieces slowly. His every gesture took away a part of it. "He doesn't exist, he doesn't exist" I repeated to myself. All those minutes in the elevator seemed endless. I thought to be mad, I could not stand by him, I just wanted to increase the distance between us. His proximity destroyed me. My eyes went down along his hands and my breath stopped for a brief moment.

_Flashback_

_He looked at me with sweetness, while he rested a blue opaque plaid on me. He curved his lips in the most reassuring smile, he could not hide his shadow of concern. He wanted to avoid me all of this. I was near to death. Everything that I thought were my children, his team, and Mac Taylor. His simple gesture made me feel safe. His arm around my shoulders, he held me. His face on my front. I just needed this. I just needed him._

_**"It's over Jo, it's over"**__ he whispered into my hair __**"now everything will be fine"**__._

_I closed my eyes at his words, I sighed still tense. It was really over, John Curtis was out of my life forever. This chapter had finally closed._

It was so vivid in my mind the image of his hand that held me to his chest. At times I could not breathe. The doors slid open and I anticipated him, increasing the distance between us. I would burst into tears in front of his eyes and I could not let that happen. I was feeling fragile. _"Think about how unfairly he has trampled you and do not lower your head!" _the inner voice yelled out.

In the Avalanche, a silence so thick as to seemed unreal. I placed my fingers on the window, I was intently watching New York City, it seemed literally frozen. Unusual for the period in which we were. The comings and goings strangely slow. It was as if the emptiness inside me had moved in everything around me. I wasn't looking at him and he did the same with me. We looked like a divorced couple, I smiled sarcastically. How much it cost me to stay at his side. I put the street's coordinates on the iPad.

**"Turn here"** I pointed the way.

I was surprised by the coldness of my own voice. I was changed. I lived continuously ups and downs, and it destroyed me. I just need to work, only this. When I looked up at the rearview mirror his eyes flashed me. God how much anger he felt for me. I had never seen him so. He pulled over abruptly and walked out of the car without waiting for me. Yet another dagger in my chest. I retrieved the equipment and followed him into the palace.

There were splashes of blood since from the entrance, the murderer had not bothered to hide his tracks. Mac stood in front of the elevator, he was leaning on the floor, he watched the trail of blood as he spoke with colleagues. I went near to him.

**"Danny, Lindsay take charge of the findings here.. Jo and I, we'll do the primal scene"** he was adamant pronounced, and for the second time his derogatory eyes fell on my face.

I looked away and I hurried to follow him without saying a word. I had a feeling that was going to get worse between us. I became more and more aware of what I had been wrong about him. I had idealized our relationship that did not exist.. perhaps it never existed. How much he hurt me. I struggled constantly with what I felt, I suffered in silence.. I had to bend my head down and submit myself. I could not afford an emotional breakdown, all I wanted was just.. get out from all this. _"You've got one way Jo.." _the insidious inner voice whispered, and I crossed the threshold of the apartment.

I was paralyzed at the sight of the crime scene. My heart went into my throat. An entire family wiped out so cruelly. I lowered my gaze proven. I have continually asked to myself.. if I was ready for this job. Having to deal with atrocities of this kind and can not do anything to prevent it, but on the other hand I know that depended on me the serenity of entire families, and this gave me that indescribable courage to fight, to believe in that ideal called justice. He was a mentor for me, but only just for this. Mac's sandalwood colony brought me to the present abruptly. I laid the bag on the ground and I started to take some photos. In my mind I began to get a picture of the hypothetical scenary. I put on latex gloves and I pointed out some fingerprints, I picked some fibers, anything that might lead me to the murderer. The profile, detail after detail, was clear in my mind. I reached the center of the room and I looked around, I adapted my hands as a gun, and also following the several steps on the floor, I have created the trajectories. Mac stared at me thoughtfully.

**"Update me"** his voice was detached and professional.

**"A shot in the back for the woman.."** I took a few steps to show of the dynamics **"the boy a single shot to the head"** I shook my eyelids, lowering my face. I couldn't do it. I put an hand over my face.

I went back to look at him, he raised an eyebrow and I seemed to notice that sweet concern that he felt for me, when I was having the pain painted on my face. One of those moments that reminded me how special he was for me. It was only a short time, that I almost seemed to have imagined it. My eyes in his, and the silence, so different from the previous one. I do not recognize myself anymore.

I decided to break the silence for first **"for the man three shots, leg, shoulder and head.."**.

**"An execution"** he anticipated me.

He returned at my side, apparently it all seemed so normal.. instead I had lost him. I had lost Mac Taylor.. the only person that mattered for me. I had to live with this. He had gone, maybe it was destiny. He took the phone from his jacket's pocket and called the lab to communicate the findings. A buzz, a thin whisper, barely perceptible has activated my senses. I turned in the direction of the corridor and I heard it again. I tilted my face, and it was more intense again. I started running in the direction of the sound. My heart was beating hard in my chest, breaking my breath. It happen very often when I was on the field.

**"Jo!"** Mac shouted my name while he was reaching me and he pushed me away. His arm was protecting me. I crossed his eyes, I was captured. Time was stopped completely, I could not control it. His fingers touched my waist, as he continued to shield me with his body. I could not even whisper his name. We had had a contact. There were days that he never looked at me in that way. The heart returned to wince, this time was different.

A murmur had brought my attention to that locked door in front of us.

**"What are you thinking?! Did you want to get yourself killed!"** he raised his voice nervous. It took those words to show how stupid I was once again.

I looked at him determined, while the adrenaline was running inside of me.

**"I can take care of myself"** I said harsh and I pushed him away. I broke unconsciousness the door with a kick.

I could hear behind me the angry breath of my boss, and I advanced careless toward the semi-darkness place. Smears of blood along the floor. Then the sound seemed a cry. I stepped up to a wall wardrobe. The closure was a sliding one. I turned myself only once in Mac's direction, he was wielding the gun firmly. I opened it slowly. A sweet little girl huddled, she was in a corner crying. Long blonde hair, dirty with the blood of her parents. The fingerprints had to be hers. I bent down and I held out an hand toward that fragile creature.

**"Honey it's all over"** I whispered, while I was trying to hide the tears that were pressing for running through my cheeks.

The girl lifted her big blue eyes and dived into my arms **"everything is fine, everything will be fine"** I held her to me as I could to calm her. She was trembling. She curled up against my chest, I stroked her hair **"No one will hurt you, I promise"**.

I looked at Mac, I felt like I was dying. For the first time in many years that I knew him, I saw him feeling in the same way. This case was already marking us and we could not control it.


	7. Chapter 6

**6.**

I walked next him. My leather jacket brushed against his. The little girl's red eyes were on Mac. The distant and cold man with whom I had to do for days, he seems to had an hesitation. I saw him clearly shaken. The little bloody hand came to rest on the shoulder of my boss.

**"I don't wanna stay here.."** the child muttered thickly, rubbing her eyes.

**"Let me take care of her, Mac"** I interjected him.

Mac looked at me so hard, and the little creature seemed to notice it.

The little girl was still trembling in my arms. Her little heart was beating so fast. How much I wanted to spare her this. She pushed her hands on my chest and leaned over to look at the Mac. Her big blue eyes were staring at him.  
On the face of Mac Taylor there was my own expression, perhaps my own pain. Something he shared to me after all these days. His intense eyes seemed to speak for him. He said nothing, he just smiled at the girl. My heart clenched in my chest.

**"Mac.."** I muttered, I wanted to talk to him.. but just came out his name from my lips.

I stared at him and that shadow of compassion seemed to fade away, **"Take care of her"** he was peremptory and irritated.

Another sharp pain in my stomach. He was changed.. he hated me, now it was official.

I looked at him, while a whirlwind of adrenaline was kindled inside of me.

**"Let her in custody of our agents and come back here"** were his words.

My eyes grew shiny. I held my breath. It was amazing how easily he could hurt me. I looked at him. I could not turn off my emotions, how could I? How could I after all this? How could it be possible that I counted nothing for him? It was as if I'd never existed. The throbbing thick at my stomach turned again and I could not let me go. I closed my lips nervously, and I pushed the girl's head to my chest softly. I looked at him one last time and walked away without saying anything.

It was all different only some days ago, I thought sadly as I took off my jacket and I rested it on the child's shoulders.

**"All is gonna be fine"** I whispered, laying her on the ground and I entrusted her to a colleague.

She still had the same terror in her eyes. I did not want to leave her. She was so fragile, she needed someone. A deep shiver ran down my skin, it was accelerating my beats. The ground was disappearing around me like everything else. I had had that feeling for my Ellie many years ago. I watched her, she was sitting next to an agent and in the meantime I recommended myself with Flack, so that he would take care of her.

**"Do not lose sight of her, okay?"** I asked apprehensively.

**"Don't you worry"** he reassured me.

I still must have been absent completely, only that this time the cause wasn't Mac Taylor. I was absent at the point of not realizing our conversation.

**"You're right, Jo?"** he asked, interrupting the flow of my thoughts.

**"Yeah"** I replied not very convinced.

I thought to see the reflection of my face in his eyes, I looked like a ghost. If there was one aspect that I appreciated of him and of the team was the protective attention.. this went far beyond our work.  
Mac was not supposed to have recovered completely himself from the accident, he knew about the aphasia.. he must have been so upset. I just wanted to be near him and nothing else. He preferred to push me out of his life, as if what we had passed were nothing. The coolness, with which he treated me, opened a chasm so deep in the chest as the grim look that he reserved to me.

I went back in the building, as I climbed the stairs leading to the apartment I found myself thinking at that moment that I had with him. That contact, after days of indifference. The concern painted on his face and he was protecting me. My fingers crawled on the handrail. I closed my eyelids to prevent the coming out of the tears.

_Flashback _

_**"Are you okay, Jo?"**__ he rested his hand on my shoulder, his breathing was labored._

_**"Yeah, fortunately"**__ I replied gradually while I was regaining control of myself._

_I had just risked being riddled by a volley of bullets, because one of the kidnappers had brazenly challenged us. He come here in person to request the ransom to the millionaire Mr. Seville. My hands were still shaking. Mac's eyes went down until my hands, his fingers circled mine and he gave me a reassuring smile. He seemed to add, "I feel terribly guilty for not being here to protect you" I smiled at him and untied the contact._

I had almost reached the house and I was starting to feel my heart pounding inside at the memory. My boss was there waiting, intent to complete the surveys. I put on a new pair of gloves and I went back to take some other photos, to mark with the appropriate numbers the blood spatters and the location of the bodies. I collected the blood with a swab. I took a pair of pliers to take some samples of hair scattered on the floor, and some the granules, which judging by their appearance they had to be residues of moist soil. I noticed a small piece of wrinkled paper. I looked at it carefully and I collected it.

I looked at the position of the bodies, while I was trying to turn them. Mac came to help me. All had exit holes, except for one of the man. It meant that the bullets had to be for sure in this room.

**"Search the bullets"** was his order **"I'll finish here"**.

He doesn't even look at me. I lost the count of how many times he had gone my heart into pieces. I gave him my back and I forced myself to not have reactions. I placed the laser pointers for the trajectories. I found the first bullet in an old picture's canvas. I gently pulled it out. It was that one of the boy. I went back to the center of the room and I spotted another stuck in the bookends. I pulled it out, this had killed the woman. There were two bullets in the series of three reserved for man. I was able to locate the last two, one in the leg of the table, the other one in a cedar chest.

Mac looked at me thoughtfully, in his eyes were a clear invitation to speak.

**"The murderer doesn't have leave the shell casings"**

**"This mode and the shots are a confirm of premeditation"** he anticipated my same conclusion.

My eyes were on his, and then that deep silence. I continued to look at him, he did the same. I relived the same moment of this morning. That damn scowl on his face, how much obstinacy he had. That one had brought him where he was. I lifted my face, proud and cold as he desired, without disrupting the contact. I would not come back, not even him. I retrieved the equipment and I passed on. I do not know exactly what I hoped. A part of me was begging to have his reaction, any of his reaction. The most superficial part of me hoped that he'd forget me, maybe it was the only thing to do. Nothing remained of our relationship, I thought sadly while I was going away from there.


End file.
